This is a basic article that I hope will clear up a few inconsistencies in the world of the fermented Grape, peeves of my friends and wait staffs all over the East Coast that I have been made aware of. If you do these things, then you are not alone, because I gathered this information from a very large pool of sources in and around wine service. If you are offended by my candor, please don't be, this is tough love from a guy who loves all of you very much for simply reading his musings. If you are laughing at the people who do these things, I challenge you to look at your own understanding of wine, and I bet you'll find a skeleton of common fallacy somewhere therein.
So you want a dry wine? Asking a server for a dry wine is like asking a pet salesman for a bigger dog than the one you already have; Spaniels are certainly bigger than Chihuahuas but smaller than Mastiffs, yet none of them are quite as big as you assume their ESP laden brain to be. Dry is a personal taste preference, and we as your host have no idea what you are accustomed to. If you drink Sangiovese, the supple, acrid dryness is hard to beat, second only to the Nebbiolo Grape from Piedmont or perhaps the Sicilian Nero D'Avolo. If you think Mer Soleil is dry, then, I suggest you go Virgin(Un-Oaked Chard, not Hannah Montana). The point is, we have no reference point as to what you already consider dry. Understand, too, that dry is a taste reflex that is unique to how our pallette reacts to the wine. Some pallettes have been saturated by wines that cause that off-drying effect, and as such, we are all like little puckering snow flakes. Make us aware, so we can help you to the best of our abilities.
"I like Pinots, and I like Cabernets". You like what? Pinot Noirs? Cabernet Sauvignon? While I often shorten Cabernet Sauvignon to Cabernet, understand that Cabernet Franc is not nearly the powerhouse here that it is in Loire Valley or even Stellenbosch. Pinot Noir and it's white cousin the Pinot Gris/Grigio are both VERY popular varietals in America. So asking your waiter to pick you out simply a 'Pinot' may end in a very jarring surprise. Furthermore, Cabernet Sauvignon and Pinot Noir are VERY different styles of wine. Saying you like either of them, is about as vague as saying; "I like Shel Silverstein and I like Tolstoy". While both authors are brilliant and worth their own solid merits, they both have their own expectations. A better approach to this would be to say, "I'm in the mood for a bigger style Cabernet(at this point if you're in America, that will suffice for Cabernet Sauvignon), but I could ALSO go for a medium bodied Pinot Noir. This gives your server the opportunity to come up with several choices. 'DARE' Cabernet Sauvignon from Viader is an excellent by the glass Cabernet(Sauvignon) that wreaks of blackberry cobbler and calveskin. It's mocha influences draw out it's tannins and paint the finish with ground espresso. However if you want the medium bodied Pinot Noir, Bel Glos from Joseph Wagner(son of Chuck, maker of Caymus) is a dear of an elegant drop. It's Black Cherry all the way, hints of plum and herbs tinge the finish. Give us something to work with, this is just an example, but we cannot just understand your many years of wine drinking(or lack thereof) with a simple glance. What we do, is learn from you, and put it to good use.
House Wines do not represent the house. In Europe, however, they are representative of the quality of the Chateau(hence HOUSE). For this reason, many restaurants use this title to suggest a wine for the casual glancer, inherently to save money. Not all House Wines are bad, and as such, it is key to ask your server, "HOW is the House today?" The alternative, and most common question is, "What's the House?" Some restaurants pride themselves at pricing common and quality stock as House Wines, treats for newbies to the wine world. Others put out their most basic 'swill', juice that will most likely scare off anyone sticking a toe into the vast ocean of 'Wine Culture'. Don't just order a House Wine because you are being cheap. If the server recommends the House, you may be in luck, but listen to us because most of our reactions are genuine. I have had good House wine on many occasions, but only in the instance that the server said, "Oh, its great actually", and the House will often turn out to be a foreign varietal that doesn't sell well for reasons of consumer ignorance. If the server recommends a glass a mere $2 more than your house, pay it; that is our way of saying, I wouldn't do that if I were you. Bad wine is like boxer shorts you see at 'GoodWill'; you wonder who would buy it, but you inevitably see the shelves half empty(gross).
Just because you get headaches from drinking wine, does NOT mean you have some obscure allergy to wine. Conversely, if your doctor says you do, try to listen to their educated advice please. Until I started working face to face with people on wine, I had no idea how many authorized Health Professionals were circulating through society; a byproduct of our undoubtedly 'Do It Yourself' culture that self diagnoses the pain away. Sometimes you are allergic to these things, though in very, very rare occasions. More than likely it's a histamine issue and the pollen that undoubtedly attached itself to the skin of that particular red grape has gotten into your system and given you sinus tension. Even more likely, is that you cannot hold your alcohol, and you learned the same thing that most college kids do in their first years away from home: Drinking in volume does not make for fun mornings. If you drink black tea, you aren't allergic to tannins...period. If you eat blackberries, you have no problem with sulfites. If you are sensitive to either, or if you've convinced yourself that you have, you should find a good Old World delight(Spain, France or Italy) that has a much lower metasulfite content. Further, most times I cannot unravel what you have convinced yourself of, and I can only suggest you avoid it altogether.
Any way you cut it, these are a few Q and A sessions I deal with, backed by literally dozens of professionals that put their input into the metaphorical hat that I had to pull from. A lot of you fit into these categories, so don't blush please, just know that it can be helped. This is a guide for you to know what to tell us, so we can help you. I'm sorry if anyone was offended, but I'd rather give you tough love, than let you continue to miss out on the beauty that is wine in it's most splendid form.
Cameron
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